iwantedsarahsk

what hurts more is I would still die for you.

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you call me by my pet name
after you just secretly told someone else they're your dream girl and you're so attracted to them it hurts?

i hate that you think i'm so stupid

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nobody could ever have that effect on you
you'll never chase
you'll never be lovesick
or heartbroken

you never let anyone close enough to have the effect on you that you do on them.
you'll never be wrapped around anybodys finger
you'll always be the boss.
nobody ever orders you around
you'll never be the kind of peraon that cant say no to someone
you'll never be the kind of person to call them crying after they've left you because they had enough.
you'll never be insecure
you'll never be hurt by harsh words
you'll never say sorry
you'll never say no when they ask you to leave.

you're to stubborn
too proud
you've built too many walls
that will never come down.
you'll never take any blame
and you'll never be wrong
and i envy you

i'd love to be able to lock myself away and put on my armour
and be just like you

never hurt
never sorry

i'd love to be just like you.

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i could rip off my face
and replace it with someone elses

mould my body
into something a little more desirable

draw on a few more tattoos so i fit in with everyone else

add some more hair on so i looked less like a boy

and more like something you could be proud of.

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like i don't belong
like the ground is not mine to walk upon.


the harder i think about it
the more i let it get to me
the more i realise,
that i can say i'm going to try
i can say that things will get better

but we can both say anything we want
and its not going to change a thing.

at the moment you said to me
"we've tried, its just not working"
i realised something.

no we haven't.
you may have started to try
but i'd never really tried
because i was happy to believe that the problems were all your fault.
and i realised then,
that its not up to one of us to ruin it
its not up to one of us to fix it,
its up to both of us to make it work.

but its going to take a lot more than words
its going to take effort
actual effort.

we need actions.

but the more i try and figure out what i can do,
the more it does my head in
and then we're just going back in circles
with me fucking things up
and you not wanting to deal with who i've become.

i just want to be who i was
i want to be happy
and chill
and for things to just..work
like they did before.

and now, i think i know how.
and i'm not going to let it do my head in anymore
i'm not going to stress
i'm not going to go nuts.

its time to chill
and let everything go
and just let myself be happy.

in amongst the crap
alone.

its a state of mind

im in a state of mind.

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to freeze my heart over
like you wouldnt believe.
but he is the only one who has ever cracked the ice
and now its all melted
and theres nothing left for anyone to posess.
he's never thirsty
and i'll never belong to anyone else.

i hope you understand.

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hurts.

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and on another subject

of course you dont mean half the nasty stuff you say
but..

and when i forgot to finish this and you read it an hour later
you called me a whinger.

i was just about to defend you
haha

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but i know i try.



and i realised, the moment i woke up, when i thought about the fact that my brain wouldn't let me accept that you were dead, and kept replaying the dream over and over again up until the part that you stopped breathing and stopping kissing me back..
i realised that..well life without you doesn't really seem like an option.
my brain can't even process the thought of you not being a part of my life.
and then i thought about the current situation at hand
and realised that if it ever came to the point of having to decide to chose between you and them..well i wouldn't even have a choice
because my head and my heart both would have already picked you.
i don't know if this is what you planned for
but if you accept blame for one thing, take the blame for this.
me being so completely head over heels fucking rediculously in love with you.

and theres nothing i can do to change it
nothing anyone (including you) could say or do to change my mind.
no amount of harsh words, or doing things that hurt me, could make me think any differently of you.

you're the most perfect person i've ever known
and its because you're not
and because you know i'm not
but you still love me.

i wiped the tears off my face and i rolled over to make sure you were still breathing.
and i wanted to wake you up just so i could tell you i loved you but i knew that'd just make you mad
so i rolled back over and thought about..i dont even know what i was thinking about
but i remembered how cute you looked in that stupid stitch beanie
and how funny you are when you get angry cos you're hungry
and how silly i feel when i do stupid things to make you mad
and how bad i feel that you do so much for me, and i've done so many stupid things that you deserve so much better than

but you still love me.
and i'll always love you.

you're the only person who has ever really stood by me.
the only person I've never really appreciated enough.
the only person who has ever loved me without conditions.
the only person who makes me so mad, because I can't be mad at you.
the only person i'd ever care enough to take care of.
the one person who really has no idea how much they mean to me, and probably doesn't care.
the only person who nobody could ever make me change my mind about.
The only person I've ever honestly loved more than myself.

there definately shouldnt be turns
you have a girlfriend
you should have mentioned that.

lie for fun and fake the way you hold me
let me fall for every empty word you say.

its like being in a war.
you're shooting at me from the top of hamburger hill and i'm knees deep in mud in open ground.
its a full fledged battle.
who can run the other into the ground
who can do the most damage
who can make the most shots connect
who can hurt who the most
who is smarter
who can get inside and fuck you up til you're laying in pieces on the outside

its nasty
its sneaky
its tactical
carefully planned

and you know what?
you win
i admit defeat.

but i will not be completely disarmed
because its not about how hard you can hit
its about how many hits you can take and get back up again

its never good enough to just love someone
and its always too much to ask to just be loved in return




but id rather wake up beside you and breathe that old familiar smell

its hard to know who you can trust when people are stupid enough to lie to other people infront of you.


"its not a matter of winning or losing, all im saying is either way, youre fucked"

i hate advice.

its always the same, theres always one person with more of their heart in it
even if its not the case at the start, it always ends up that way.
it hurts to think that if you were gone someone might not care as much as you would if they werent there.

it would be nice to think that youre the kind of girl that gets heart-broken "i cant imagine life without you" melancholy acoustic songs written about you
but i dont think the guys that write those songs really exist
i think male genetic makeup prevents them from feeling that way about anything but their mates
or maybe im just not that kind of girl, the one worth missing.


"people always take advantage of the people they know will always be around"


i hate fucking advice.

Sometimes I wonder if that keeps you warm at night.
I think I worry too much about you
you're a big boy after all.

I think it's easy for people to blam one another for things
but when I think about things from your point of view, I can sort of understand.
For you I know it's not so easy, because you don't really understand anything I think or feel
bu that's okay
at least I know I'm trying.


:)

Maybe I am too attatched, have "attatchment issues"
I'm sorry I ask for too much.
I guess my impressions of relationships are all wrong,
I didn't think I needed to be un-attatched because I was under the impression I was sharing my life with you, which meant including you in all of it.
You're so lucky. There's so many things I wish you would teach me
like how to be angry
how to hold on to things, hold grudges
how to block someone completely out of your mind and forget about them when you're not with them
how to not miss someone you love

I guess I just don't know how to be as strong as you.


Who am I kidding?
You're always right

Is burn alive to keep you warm when you're alone
shivered under blankets in the basement
with our secrets sealed
you pour the liquor on the staircase
so pass the flask and close your eyes.
We set the evidence on fire
we light cigarettes and chase out our regrets.

I'd burn alive to keep you warm.

you act like you dont care what people think
but you live for compliments and cant handle it when people talk shit on you.


"people are only paranoid about the people they love doing them wrong, because they're the ones doing the wrong thing"

How i changed my whole life to revolve around you.
You're everything

and I'm just an option to you.

When you won't even say "I love you too" I think there's a problem.

And I love how you'll ignore every single word of this.